The Lockdown Blues
I’m not alone in this and you are not alone either.
As much as lockdown in March seemed like a funny adventure the first weeks while we were all cooking banana bread and proud we actually knew how to handle an iron, lockdown number 2 just knocked me off of my chair. I had cabin fever before it even started and usual positivity slowly vanished.
“I was staring at Netflix not finding the energy to actually choose a movie and push play.”
I was in the sunny Algarve just before they announced round 2, and when it actually hit me that we were forced to stay home AGAIN, just this time the sunny warm walks would not be there and I have decluttered my house for the next ten years already.
I felt really oppressed suddenly and panicked. I guess it’s because my brain knows now what to expect. In March we lived week-by-week not knowing what would be coming but it felt like a real lockdown where everyone had to stay safe inside. This time it just adds to my anger and anxiety to see such crowds outside not respecting any rules so I even skip the daily walks, mostly also because the weather is not very inviting.
Being such a positive and optimistic person, it actually scared me how my mood went from bad to worse every day, my anxiety levels were spiking up and I just couldn’t see anything positive. One thing lead to the other, insomnia kicked in and I couldn’t sleep before at least 3AM. That said, no sleep results to a low mood the next day and then you just end up in a vicious circle.
I think the first week of lockdown I burst into tears at least four times per day and at one point I was saying to myself “woman, you need to seriously wash your hair...”. For someone who is nicknamed The German Machine by her friends, this was a low-point of efficiency for me and it was making me go into a dark place.
I had stacks of post I needed to go through but I was just looking at it thinking “I can’t do this”. I couldn’t do anything. I frankly didn’t understand what was going on with me. I was staring at Netflix not finding the energy to actually choose a movie and push play.
“Many also think that a positive joyful woman like me is rock solid. That’s not true and that’s why I am sharing this.”
Why I’m writing this blog is not to post advice of what works or what doesn’t. I wanted to share this because I understood that lockdown is no joke, nor is this crisis we are living in since March. We are so vulnerable at the moment and our mental health is very much tested.
I had chats with so many of you who supported me and always asked how I was doing, thank you for that, it means the world. Many also think that a positive joyful woman like me is rock solid. That’s not true and that’s why I am sharing this.
What is important for me to share is that we are all in the same boat and we are allowed to feel different. We are allowed to be down and we are allowed to struggle. We are allowed to cry and we are allowed to have moments of breakdowns. Our kids are allowed to have their moments and freak out, it’s especially very tough on the young ones. I feel sorry for our kids that they have to go through this. At my daughter’s age I was living a life full of fun, less stress and no fear of the future.
This has been a lesson in grief. Covid has taught me a lot about grief. Grief can be little things we lost and they are important to us even-though obviously we can’t compare it to grief of loosing a parent or close one.
But we certainly grieve loss of our old routines, our old lives and habits. It’s a loss not being able to go to work if you loved your job. It’s a loss to not see your friends, some didn’t see their families since months. It’s a loss to not be able to simply do what brought you joy before. Now you might all think, but Sarah, be “grateful”. Grateful that I am healthy. Grateful that I have a strong support system. I am grateful and I am very privileged. By no means does this mean that we have to suppress how we are feeling - we are allowed to feel depressed and express it.
“Sit down at some stage during the day or week and just say “f***” it, this is my time now !”
I think we all put a lot of pressure on ourselves, so my message to you simply is “be very very kind to yourself”. Be very kind to your heart and your mind. If you don’t feel well, reach out to close ones (or strangers or anyone who makes you feel comfortable). I remember when both my parents died it surprised me how easily I could open up to strangers about my feelings rather than to close ones. When you feel overwhelmed try to slow down and take a moment to just reset. Take time for self-care, for your favourite exercise or whatever you fancy. Sit down at some stage during the day or week and just say “f****” it, this is my time now !
These are not ordinary times. I thought I had the strongest mind and got seriously scared how quickly you can get into that viscous circle of not feeling like yourself. I really felt out of control. Usually when things happen to me, I take action very quickly so I decided to have a coaching session with an amazing lady who guided me through an exercise reconnecting with myself and my energies. That helped me a lot ! I went to see my GP to top up my game with vitamin shots and supplements. I forced myself to go to one yoga or pilates per day on Zoom because I needed blood flow in my body. Acupuncture helped as well and little-by-little things got better because I started being kind to myself. There is a thing called Seasonal Affective Disorder (abbreviated as SAD… how fitting) which is a depression occurring during season change especially during winter. Add lockdown to that, and madness in some of the most established and powerful countries in the world, and we can all loose ourselves in despair or suffer from burnouts.
It’s not all fancy grids with beautiful pictures on Instagram. It’s sometimes very shitty behind the scenes and I believe it is for all of us. You never know what is happening behind other people’s doors but it’s worthwhile knocking and just asking “are you ok” ? Knowing that we can reach out and get help is so so important.
We are all in this together and the more we share and support each other, the better we will get out of this.
Stay safe, keep well and I’m always here to listen.
Some tips to not loose your mind that helped me
Reaching out to my friends for help
Confront your thoughts and go through the emotion. If I need to cry I’d cry it out for hours.
I tried to get a better sleep routine back with self-care and reading before going to bed.
Getting dressed and sitting on my desk to work instead of lying in my bed made a big difference
One pilates or yoga a day (we need that blood in our brains)
1000mg vitamin C daily
Adrenal support supplement (stress hormone)
Magnesium for relaxation
Dr Bach Rescue spray
Balance is key, you need to eat that ice cream or Nutella pot out of frustration, eat it... just try to have a healthy breakfast the next morning. Balance it out.
Speaking to a therapist or a coach always helps me the most because it’s an active session I need to go through.
Acupuncture is one of my go to when in distress, anxiety, depressed, insomnia etc...